Our MDF bog seat had been falling apart for some time and Annette was frantically searching for a replacement she liked while I remained adamant I would not fit another MDF seat, they are not worth the effort.
Of course I really did not care what colour it was or even if it was “soft seat” or “slow lowering” just so long as it would last. I really do not like this job at all although it should be easy, two wing-nuts and a threaded piece of metal what could go wrong?
Well of course I’m going to tell you. In the past we have had fittings that were all plastic and just as you have managed to tighten them up enough to stop sitting down being like on a fairground waltzer, the thread snaps and you find yourself half way in the bath. I had long since ruled out and fittings made entirely of plastic. MDF has now joined my veto list.
So that leaves; solid wood seat (traditional and warmer on the backside when fitted to an outside loo) plastic or resin. Selecting plastic would at first glance tend to be the logical choice as the damn stuff is almost indestructible and washes well, but you have to be careful if is not as flimsy as two super glued plastic bags or we are back to the fairground analogy. The resin appears to be a deluxe equivalent of the plastic and they are generally thicker, often with cute things like barbed wire moulded into the seat, but the price of these is in the premium range.
I had searched the Internet and it is quite fantastic what some people will pay for a toilet seat. We searched all the DIY stores Annette had either a discount voucher for who were likely to have a sale on, alas, all to no avail. Two or three times Annette reported sightings of a suitable beast on Bilston market only for me to find it had already been sold or was more MDF. Today we got lucky and there was a plastic seat, of solid construction that Annette liked. At £8 it was too good to miss even though the fittings were missing and the stall holder had to rummage about to find a set of screws.
With the rain picking up and Annette showing signs of exploring every last inch of the market before going into work I decided to get back and fit the beast. I would be lying if I expected it to be plain sailing, in fact just the opposite. I examined the fixings and sure enough they would not screw into the hinges on the seat, the end of the thread had been damaged. Not really a problem to a wargamer. I went up into the loft and got out a needle file and re-cut the thread.
I threaded the connectors into place and started tightening the plastic wing nuts into place. I have to say I generally feel that it is a mistake to use plastic here as once again it is possible to over tighten them or some other such horror that I was to discover. Everything was in place, lid lifted and closed, seat was firm on one side and then I found the second wing-nut had striped its thread and did not tighten.
Humming “Right said Fred” I had a cuppa tea and had a little think and then said, “right ho!” Of course I had already determined the old fittings were not compatible (on Planet Orton they are standardised and interchangeable by law) but, I had decided I would have a rummage through my nuts and bolts collected during my time at H & L Appleby. Sure enough I found a perfect match for the thread but, I was not finished there, oh no, there was more to do.
Drawing once again on my plastic modelling skills I decided it would be easier for me to fasten the nut in place if I simply used it to reline the thread on the plastic wing-nut. How on Earth could you do that I hear you ask. Simple, heat up the nut until it is hot enough to melt the plastic and melt it into position. Of course I had the good sense to thread it along the rod first so I could centre the nut through the existing hole in the wing-nut. a couple of minutes later and teh job was done. A quick rinse under the tap to harden the plastic and I had a perfectly threaded wing-nut again.
You did not need to be Columbo 
to discover the slight flaw in this plan. There was just one problem….the melted plastic ran down to block the thread behind the nut thus closing the rest of the hole in the wing-nut. By now I was on my second cup of tea but, I had an answer to this problem as well. Out came the drill and I quickly bored out the blockage.
Well it all went together although there must have been some bits of plastic still stuck in the thread I’d missed because my thumb was almost numb by the time I tightened up my ‘special’. I now wait for the inevitable day when one of the “nobody” people tear it free and I have to start all over again.