Some examples of life on planet Orton:

Every time the Microsoft ‘paperclip’ appears Bill Gates has to donate £1000 to charity.

Nobody can become a Labour MP until they’ve done manual labour for three years.

Argentina is given back to Spain by the UN for bitching about the Falklands

All MP’s have to commute to work – that sorts out: fuel taxes, congestion, rail networks and  public transport in general.

If the chancellor’s spending goes over budget he has to get a second job to pay it off.

Football gets tougher with the reintroduction of the leather laced up ball.

Anybody producing a reality TV show gets 24 hour live coverage of their life broadcast for a year.

If you need to find out about the American elections you go on-line or watch TV in America.

Traders using the metric system are fined three farthings for every; gram, mm involved.

Inflation is used for: tyres, lilos, balls etc. not in any way ‘economy’.

MP’s speaking in the ‘House’ are wired to lie detectors.

There is a return to ‘gunboat’ policy on the diplomatic front.

The army has vehicles and weapons to do the job.

The RN has ships and the RAF has planes that can do the job.

“Joy Riding” is a porno film and car theft a serious offence

At customs control the black British Passport is the only one with five channels for access and others have to be processed by the dozy devil with the long queue.

Britain leaves the EEC to its own devices after handing all members a bill for our help in World War Two. The Germans get a bill for starting it and compensation claims from British widows.

French ships blockading the channel ports are sunk with Exocet’s purchased during the Falklands War to stop the Frogs supplying the Argies.

The National Anthem is played at start of all theatre and cinema shows.

Asbos are abolished and public stocks reintroduced.

Islamic terrorists are tried under Islamic law.